Graduate School or Bust (or should I say AND Bust?)

Even though I borrowed large sums in student loans for graduate school, I couldn't afford not to work. At times I worked two jobs (in computer support) and always averaged at least 35 hours per week. I think my credit cards were maxed out around $3k at this time, and I started graduate school almost $20k in the hole from borrowing for my undergrad.

To make matters worse, I had to play "catch up" in Electrical Engineering. I took required undergraduate classes my first year while paying the graduate rate, of course. As I remember, graduate credits were about $100 more per credit than undergraduate credits. How nice of Generic University.

I began working on my Masters thesis, and subsequently I started to fall apart. The stress of trying to review undergraduate electrical engineering material, taking graduate classes, working almost full-time, trying to make progress on my thesis and money worries became overwhelming. I limped through 3.5 years of graduate school while suffering panic attacks and frequent illnesses. I went to the emergency room at least twice because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I believed if I could just finish my thesis, I would graduate. But I couldn't scrape together enough money for another semester, and I had a nervous breakdown. The hope and excitement I had as a naive high school graduate for my future education and career were distant and foggy memories. Fear and dread took their place. I packed it in and moved back home with my parents.

Back to where I started before graduate school, but this time with an additional $50k in student loan debt (which now totaled $70k) and $8k in credit card debt. I thought, "How could I ever pay back this much money?"

And that's how I guaranteed my enslavement for many years to come ... and which continues until this day.

The Year Long Job Search

The year after graduating from undergraduate school seemed to drag on forever. I got a part-time job as a graduate assistant for a professor working at a branch campus of Generic University. He was, and probably still is, an egotistical jerk.

One benefit of working for Mr. Jerk is that he purchased a huge engineering company database detailing company contact information and production areas of thousands of companies. It served as a great resource during my job hunt. I printed resume after resume throughout the year, sending them in 50 to 100 batches. The last total I remember was at 1200 resumes, after that I lost count. The response rate was piss poor at 1%-2%. This meant that for every 100 resumes I mailed, I received one or two interview invitations. What was worse is that it was expensive. At the time each resume and cover letter ensemble cost 75 cents which included the paper, envelopes, printing and postage. And the interview expenses were often not reimbursed by the company. It astounded me how expensive job searching was!

I toiled away in unemployment hell which led me to increasingly wallow in self pity. As the year progressed, I became extremely angry and depressed. "This isn't how it's supposed to be!" I exclaimed to my mother. "That's life," she replied. Ah, she always knew how to make me feel better. NOT!

I couldn't get a job because (1) the economy was in the throws of a recession, (2) potential employers didn't know what Engineering Science was, (3) they felt my degree was too general when they came to understand what the subject was, and (4) I had no experience or hard skills. The last item is pretty important as how can one acquire experience when nobody will hire them to develop said experience? Suddenly I strongly regretted not doing an engineering co-op / internship while in college. Oops, too late!

I also made an unsettling discovery. The starting salary quoted by Generic University for recent graduates with my degree was grossly inflated. Quoted at $35k per year, the salaries I found were to be more like $25k-$27k per year (I will discuss this further in another post).

My student loans were in deferment during the year. The payments were in the grace period for the 6 months after graduation, and in unemployment deferment the remaining 6 months. Wasn't that kind of my lender? Just tacked the interest right back onto that baby so it could snowball into an even bigger sum of cash to repay ....

As the year after graduation came to a close, desperation sat in. I couldn't put off my paying my student loans forever, could I? Then I hatched a brilliant plan - the perfect plan - or so I thought. "Hey, why don't I go back to school and earn my Masters in Electrical Engineering. Everyone knows what Electrical Engineering is. I will definitely be more employable! And an added bonus is that my student loans would go into deferment again without accruing interest ... sweet!"

So I was off to grad school the autumn a year after I graduated from undergrad to realize my fool-proof plan. It wasn't a labor of love, and I lacked true desire for a graduate education as I still felt mighty burned by my undergraduate experience. I entered grad school angry, depressed, resentful and in poverty.

Oh, did I mention that grad students are allowed to borrow obscene amounts of money to fund their education? Ah yes, and I borrowed the maximum amount I could. "I will make more than enough money with a graduate degree to pay these loans off during the first few years after I graduate."

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Next: Graduate School or Bust (or should I say AND Bust?)

The Beginning of the Student Loan Debt Spiral – Undergraduate School

The Dream

There wasn't anytime during my high school existence that I doubted a career in Engineering was in my future. With my mother sitting beside me, happily I expressed my plans to my guidance counselor. She replied "Well, you won't have any problem being accepted into the school of your choice. You won't have to pay a dime for college with your grades. You will receive scholarships and grants." Now, looking back I think my mom should have known better than to believe this, but alas, she and I both fell for it hook, line and sinker.

And as my guidance counselor predicted, I did get into the school of my choice, Generic University (an alias to protect the guilty). Generic University is a state school with a good engineering program, or so I was told. And who was I to question anything? My elders wouldn't lead me astray, would they? They only wanted what was best for me, right?

Ready, Set, Go … Let the Borrowing Begin!

I registered for summer session to get a jump on fall! An excited youth, I wanted to get through school quickly and start my promising career. This halted almost immediately. "What's this?" I asked my mother. "Looks like a tuition bill," she remarked in surprise. Turned out that Generic University actually wanted money for ME to attend! Now, this sounds like I was quite full of myself, and I was, but from the pearls of wisdom that my high school guidance counselor bestowed upon me, I was convinced that I scholarships and academic performance grants would magically fall from the sky and take care of everything. My guidance counselor never mentioned that I would need to apply for these things or fill out financial aid forms. And my parents should have known better. They both attended Generic University themselves in their younger days. Neither finished their degree, but both had the paid-in-full student loan letters to prove it.

Needless to say, I couldn’t scrape together the cash to go summer session. I quickly filled out the financial aid paperwork, and lo’ and behold I received $0 in financial need grants. My father made too much money, however, he had quit his job in May (long story), and I was supposed to start school in September. My parents refused to pay for any of my college studies even before my Dad quit his job. I worked as a cook in a semi-upscale restaurant making close to minimum wage, and I was the only one employed in my family. Even with working 20-30 hours a week at that job and commuting to school (using my out-of-work father’s car), I could not pay cash for my entire freshman year. Student loans to the rescue! “Oh, with an engineering degree, you’ll have that loan paid off in no time,” advised my mother. At 17, I began plunging myself into debt that I still haven’t expunged myself of after 20 years.

Oh, and here is the level of required counseling I received by the school when I signed my first student loan papers: we watched a 20 minute video. It was a lame vignette of some chick who ditched paying her student loans, and years later when she wanted a credit card, she couldn’t get one because of her defaulted student loans! Oh, the horror of lacking the ability to rack up more debt on credit cards!

Student loan debt (end of freshman year): ~$2.6k

The Credit Card Habit Begins

I loaded up on credits, 18-20 per semester, to get as much for my money as I could (any credit above 12 credits was “free”). Starting college at the beginning of a recession, and with hours and other jobs hard to come by, I worked as many hours as they would offer at the restaurant during my freshman year. My father found a job and moved the family during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. This had dire consequences for me as I could not longer commute, so I moved on campus. The student loans didn’t cover it, so I convinced my parents to borrow under a PLUS loan, and I would pay it. It was only $50 per month, however, when you have no money, $50 is a lot. And I paid it, on time every month, for 10 years until fully paid. Looking back I don’t know how I did it some months.

Taking out a credit card seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn’t have money for books even with the loans I had. I worked, but didn’t make enough. And I could quickly pay off those cards when I graduate with that lucrative engineering job, right? The balance quickly soared to the $500 limit.

Student loan debt (end of sophomore year): ~$5.2

Credit card debt (end of sophomore year): ~$500

Dream Turned Nightmare

I became eligible for financial hardship grants by my junior year. My father made only 40% of the salary he earned at his previous job. However, my mother decided to attend school to earn an AA in a medical discipline and essentially all the grant money went to her! Since she is the parent, and on paper she contributed to at least 60% of my college expenses, her need became “greater” than mine. Since I wasn’t living at home and supported myself during most of the year (I lived with my parents for two summers during college), I asked if I could claim myself independent. My parents refused citing that my mother would lose her grant money and their tax write-off! Also, my parents believed that since I would be an engineer, I would easily secure a job and pay off my loans upon graduation. But hey, the counselors in the financial aid office said the same thing. Smart girl like me with lots of potential will get a job and pay off those loans no problemo. Yeah, right. If I was so smart, I wouldn’t have willingly delved into such a financial mess! I’m a dumbass.

To make matters worse, my junior year was disastrous. Upon the advice of my parents and college counselor, I didn’t work. The counselor said, “The junior year engineering curriculum is very challenging. You need to have the time to focus and study, so don’t use the time working.” I followed the advice, but instead I spent the time worrying about money. I didn’t even have money for laundry, and I often washed my clothes in a laundry sink and hung them in my room to dry. Not working was a BIG mistake! This was the first semester I didn’t make Dean’s List.

What? … I Can Work in Any Engineering Discipline? Sign Me Up!

On top of the money situation, I followed my friend’s advice (who was a professor at General University) and declared my major as Engineering Science. As the honors engineering major at Engineering U, it would allow me “to work in any engineering field!” exclaimed my friend. The reasoning behind this was simple and straightforward and made a lot of sense to me (and others): Engineering Science curriculum has courses from the Nuclear, Electrical, Computer and Mechanical Engineering disciples. So, if I went into, for example, Nuclear Engineering, I would be locked into it. But if I studied Engineering Science, I could get a job in Nuclear, Electrical, Computer OR Mechanical Engineering! My friend convinced me that this was PERFECT for me. I excitedly declared Engineering Science as my major (yet another BIG mistake!)

However … if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. In general the faculty in Engineering Science is slanted towards Mechanics and Material Science (the department is actually called Engineering Science and Mechanics, but the degree is only Engineering Science). I strongly disliked Material Science. Guess what? All the coursework had a Material Science bent! I hated it, but I felt trapped. If I changed majors, how would I pay for my last semester with subsidized student loans no longer available?

Of course looking back, there were ways. But in the frazzled mental state I was in, I just didn’t see them and didn’t take the time to give it thought and brainstorm potential solutions.

BTW I went back to that friend in my senior year and told him what Engineering Science really was. His reply? “Oh, I didn’t know.” Well, neither did the majority of my Engineering Science classmates. They felt lied to about the promises the Engineering Science department made as did I. And as I began looking for work after graduation, my negative feelings regarding Engineering Science would become much worse.

Student loan debt (end of junior year): ~$10k

Credit card debt (end of junior year): $1k (limit raised to $1k!)

Graduation: Gift or Curse?

Senior year is a blur to me. I disliked my coursework. I passed up an opportunity to co-op because I believed graduating as quickly as possible would be best (another BIG mistake – which I’ll discuss in another post). There were times I only had a few cents to my name, and I was in despair. I did graduate with an Engineering Science degree and a minor in Mathematics – in addition to a severe case of depression. I was so disgusted with myself, my choices and my degree that I didn’t even retrieve the piece of paper from the registrar until several months after I graduated.

Student loan debt: ~$15k

Credit card debt: $2k (applied and received more credit cards!)

What I Learned in My Undergraduate Education

What did I learn in undergrad? Do not take advice from anyone unless you KNOW that they are aware of what they are talking about! Do your own research into options you have, and do some homework. Often you can’t easily go back and change the choice you’ve made. And that choice has the potential of bringing you reward or pain for years to come!

In my case pain … because as I said, I’m a dumbass. Just because I’m an engineer and a “logical” thinker doesn’t mean I can’t be naïve and make poor decisions.

Finally … Time to Start a Career!

Even though I moved back in with my parents due to severe poverty, the autumn after I graduated brought me new hope. Even though I was saddled with over $15k in student loan debt, $2k in credit card debt and a degree that didn’t live up to expectations, the depression lifted and with new vigor I researched techniques on resume writing, interview techniques and job hunting. The thought of beginning a career and paying off my debts brought me energy.

However, it became obvious as I started searching for work that nobody in industry knew what “Engineering Science” was. The only place that this HONORS Engineering degree held any clout was (and is) at Generic University! (More on this in a later post). I graduated when the economy was in another recession. I had an abysmal response rate (1-2% on average) to the applications I sent, and once in awhile I received a call for an interview. The first question at the interview was ALWAYS “What is Engineering Science?” And the interviews ended the same too: “I’m sorry, but Engineering Science sounds too general for our needs.”

Well, I don’t think the student loan debt collectors will care about that …

Next: The Year Long Job Search

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender. - Proverbs 22:7

When I flashback to my teens, only vague memories of signing my first permissory note remain. Then I take stock of my life today, and regret washes over me. At 17 I thought I was so smart, so intelligent. I embarked on a journey of scholarship that included borrowing great sums of money to earn an Engineering degree that I believed - and was told - would be the best investment I ever made in myself and would set me up for a financially successful adulthood. Yet 20 years later, I realize what a foolish, irresponsible and immature girl I was. What was to help provide financial freedom has ironically guaranteed my slavery.

Almost nothing is or will be as it initially seems.

Welcome to my Twilight Zone.